


Hold Tight (and don't let go)

by Siivin



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 00:26:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18435245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siivin/pseuds/Siivin
Summary: It’s been eighteen seconds now since the arrow struck Nott (it struck her directly through the heart, she must have been dead before she hit the ground) but that is alright, Jester has the diamonds and her spell can revive a person within sixty seconds of death. Jester is two hundred yards away and still engaged with the kobolds that had scattered the group, but that is alright because there are forty-two (forty-one. forty. thirty-nine - ) seconds left.It has to be alright, because Caleb refuses to accept any other outcome.





	Hold Tight (and don't let go)

Nott has been dead for twelve seconds by the time Caleb reaches her.

(this is alright. this is fine. everything will be fine.)

He’s yelling for Jester in an incoherent mix of Common and Zemnian as he drops to his knees beside ~~the body~~ Nott, one hand around the arrow to staunch the bleeding (there’s no bleeding) and the other searching for a pulse (there’s no pulse). His mind feels dull and numb, like thinking through syrup as he tries to comprehend the situation, but he can still feel every second as it slips away. Sixty seconds. Nott has sixty seconds.

It’s been eighteen seconds now since the arrow struck her (it struck her directly through the heart, she must have been dead before she hit the ground) but that is alright, Jester has the diamonds and her spell can revive a person within sixty seconds of death. Jester is two hundred yards away and still engaged with the kobolds that had scattered the group, but that is alright because there are forty-two (forty-one. forty. thirty-nine - ) seconds left.

Twenty-four seconds after Nott’s death, Jester finally manages to dispatch the kobold she was fighting and looks up towards Caleb’s shouts, pushing sweaty hair out of her blood-streaked face. Her eyes widen as she sees what’s happened and she begins to run forward, Fjord moving in smoothly behind her to cover her retreat.

“Oh no! Don’t worry Nott, I am coming!” she yells as she races forward, and Caleb feels the tightness in his chest loosen the tiniest fraction. Jester would get here and then Nott will be fine. Everything will be fine.

Twenty-eight seconds after Nott’s death, a second wave of kobolds pours out of the nearby forest, prompting curses from most of the remaining members of the party. Jester summons her spectral lollipop, swinging it in wide arcs to try and clear a path to Nott and Caleb. But as she focuses on the kobolds ahead of her she fails to notice the ones behind her.

“Jester, watch out!” Fjord calls out, but she’s not fast enough to entirely avoid the sword she hadn’t seen. It bites into her shoulder and she stumbles, her lollipop flickering slightly before she grits her teeth and focuses. The lollipop stabilizes but spotting weakness, the kobolds had swarmed and Caleb can only watch helplessly as she’s forced to stop moving forward in order to defend herself.

He remains crouched over Nott’s unmoving form, sending off Firebolts wherever he can get a clear shot. It’s not looking great for the rest of the party. Fjord has moved up to cover Jester again but they’re in the thickest part of the fighting, surrounded by what must be a dozen kobolds. Beau is doing what she can, but the deep gash running down her arm is interfering with her hand-to-hand abilities. Yasha’s eyes are dark and skeletal wings rise from her back, but she’s hanging back to protect the injured Beau from being overwhelmed. Caduceus is making his way over to them, picking off kobolds here and there, but it’s too slow, it’s all happening so quickly and so slowly -

It’s been forty-five seconds since Nott died.

“Jester!” He screams to be heard over the sound of battle and Jester looks up desperately. “Jester – _please_ -” He sends a fireball, his last spell, to the thickest cluster of kobolds, hoping to clear her way, but it’s not enough. It’s not enough.

Fifty-two seconds. Jester is a hundred yards away, making a desperate push through the mass of kobolds. She’s yelling something at him but he can’t make it out over the blood rushing in his ears, and in the back of Caleb’s mind that perfect clock keeps ticking away, counting down the last few seconds until Nott is beyond their reach.

Fifty-five seconds. He’s sending firebolt after firebolt, as though it could possibly make a difference. He’s crying, he realizes, his vision too blurry to even tell if his spells are hitting anything.

Fifty-eight.

Fifty-nine.

Sixty.

It has been one minute since Nott died, and the opportunity to bring her back has passed. He failed. He failed her, and she’s dead. He rocks back, stunned, the sounds of battle fading from his hearing as he stares at the small corpse in front of him.

(she’s small. she’s so small and tiny and still and he was supposed to protect her _he promised to protect her -_ )

It’s not until an arrow whips past him, cutting a line of fire across his arm, that he remembers his surroundings. He reaches out slowly, reverently, to close her eyes, yellow pupils disappearing for the last time. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I am so sorry, my friend, that I could not make this right for you.”

Then he stands up.

Eyes hardening, jaw clenched, Caleb strides towards the battlefield. Beau and Jester are both down now, though he can’t tell how badly they’re hurt, and the others are in danger of being overwhelmed. Caleb reaches for his magic and when he comes up empty he reaches deeper. Wisps of smoke curl up from his sleeves as his hands ignite in flame but he doesn’t notice; he is too focused on pulling every last dreg of his powers to the surface.

It _hurts_ , and he knows he is pushing himself too far. He doesn’t even know what he is pulling on now; his normal supply of magic is tapped out and whatever he is calling on now is not meant to be used in this fashion. He doesn’t care. He couldn’t protect Nott, he couldn’t save her, he couldn’t do anything at all for her when it counted. The very least he can do is ensure that the things that killed her don’t leave this field alive. The price doesn’t matter. Nothing does, now.

Caleb dies one minute and forty-seven seconds after Nott, and he is too blinded by rage and grief and flames to even see what killed him.

* * *

Waking up is a surprise. He can feel the grass he is lying on, sun warm on his skin, all the accumulated aches and pains of travel and fighting wiped away. Opening his eyes, he can see a clear blue sky above him, and as he sits up he recognizes the clearing he had been fighting in just moments before. Only now the clearing is quiet and undisturbed, no sign of the slaughter happening in the material plane.

He only has a moment to gain his bearings before someone is shrieking his name and a small body crashes into his chest, familiar green arms wrapping around him in a tight hug. Despite their circumstances, he cannot help but smile as he returns the hug, clutching desperately at Nott.

“Caleb,” Nott is saying, “there’s a man here and he says we’re dead. Is that true?”

“ _Ja_ ,” Caleb says softly, pulling her a little closer. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t . . . I didn’t save you.”

“Oh,” Nott says, expression flickering for a moment. Then she forces another smile and adds “but that’s okay though. Jester has the diamonds, right? I bet she’ll bring us back any second now!”

Caleb winces. “I’m afraid not. It’s been too long for her spell to work, and she does not know the higher level spells that could bring someone back after a longer time has passed.” His heart clenches as Nott’s face falls, eyes darting around the clearing as though searching for another answer.

“So . . . we’re dead then,” she says flatly. “We’re stuck here? No! We can’t be dead! We have – we have things to do still!” She detaches herself from Caleb and stands back, glaring defiantly.

“I don’t think we have a choice in the matter,” he says.

“That’s not quite true,” another voice says, and Caleb startles. He hadn’t noticed the half-elf hovering at the edge of the clearing. He’d come forward now though and is staring at Caleb, still sprawled on the ground.

“What do you mean?” Caleb asks, but even as he says it he can feel magic flooding the air. Sparkling blue motes of light pop into existence and float through the air around them, filling the clearing with a gentle light. Some of the motes drift to Caleb and coalesce into a ball just in front of him. The ball hovers for a moment, then sinks into his chest, and an electric warmth fills him. With the warmth comes a pulling sensation, tugging him in some unspecified direction, and he can hear distant voices at the other end of the pull.

“Is that Jester?” Nott asks, eyes wide. “She _is_ resurrecting us! I knew it!”

“Just one of you, I’m afraid,” the half-elf says. “I’m sorry Nott, but it’s been too long for you.” He does look genuinely sad, but Caleb feels fury bubble up and he pulls himself to his feet, standing to face this man who is denying Nott the chance she deserves.

“And who the hell are you to say so?” he asks, planting himself firmly between the man and Nott and glaring daggers. Truthfully he’s not sure this is a fight he could win but he already failed Nott once. If there’s any chance of correcting his mistake, of getting Nott back, he has to try.

The man doesn’t seem to mind Caleb’s tone though, his sad expression not wavering. “I’m an emissary of the Raven Queen,” he says, gesturing at his black robes as though this should explain everything. “Name’s Vax. I’m here to make sure your souls get safely to where they’re going, whether that’s back to the material plane or on to the astral plane.”

“Okay, but how about this,” Nott says slowly, stepping around Caleb to face Vax. “If you let me go back, I can give you,” her hands rifle quickly through her pockets, “eighteen gold pieces AND this magic ring!” She holds up a silver ring that is most definitely not magic.

The half-elf smiles fondly but shakes his head. “I wish I could, but there’s nothing I can do for you. Your tether to the material plane has already dissipated, and I’m afraid that’s not something I have the power to help you with. I can’t change the rules, I’m just here to make sure nothing nasty gets you before you move on.”

“But I have people to get back to,” Nott says desperately. “I haven’t – I’m not done yet, I still need to – I never -” Her words choke off as she struggles to compose herself, breath coming harsh and rapid as she tries not to cry.

“There has to be a way,” Caleb says, fists clenched at his sides. “I will not accept this. How can she get back?”

“Without her tether, she can’t,” Vax says. “Believe me. If I could possibly send her back, I would.” Nott studies his face intently, looking for any hint that he’s not being entirely truthful. But after a moment of looking she seems to accept him at his word, her face falling again.

“Oh,” she says quietly. “But . . . oh.” Caleb puts an arm around her shoulder in what he hopes is a comforting manner, his heart breaking for her. Being dead honestly doesn’t bother him much; if the world was a just place he would have died long ago. Nott though . . . Nott deserved better than this, and he hates the way he can feel her trembling against him.

Nott looks up at him, rallying slightly. “But Caleb, at least you can go back!” Her voice is full of forced cheer but her ears give her away, drooping low behind her.

“Absolutely not,” he says. “I am not leaving here without you.” Vax gives him a sharp look, but doesn’t say anything.

“Caleb, you can’t!” Nott says. “You have to go back! You can’t stay dead just for me!”

Caleb focuses on the half-elf. “Either she goes back with me or neither of us do.”

“You may of course refuse the ritual,” Vax says impassively. “That choice is yours. But you should listen to what your friends are saying. They need you.”

“Well I need Nott,” Caleb snaps. The tug in his chest is growing stronger, more of the blue motes of light settling and absorbing into his skin, and he can hear Beau’s voice clearly now. It sounds like she’s crying, and Caleb does his best to ignore what she’s saying.

“Caleb,” Nott says, tugging on his sleeve. “You need to go back. You need to take care of our friends, and you – you have things you still need to do too, right?”

“So do you. I am not leaving you here, all alone, I cannot do that. So if we must both stay here, then we will, but I cannot go back alone.” The tugging in his chest grows more insistent as Fjord’s voice sounds in his ears, gruff and emotional. Caleb pushes at the feeling, trying to shove it away, and to his surprise he can _feel_ Jester’s magic thrumming through him, the same way he can feel his own. The divine magic is unfamiliar, very different to his own arcane powers, and he can’t help but push at it a little more, trying to see how it reacts. But Nott’s voice pulls him back to the current situation.

“Caleb,” she says softly, and her voice is so unbearably sad.

“Nott, please,” he says. He kneels down in the grass and faces her, putting his hands on her shoulders. She’s _so_ small, and even though she’s putting on a brave face he can see the fear behind it, a quiet pleading in her bright eyes. “Please. I deserve to be here, for the things I have done, but you, you do not. I am already haunted by so many people that should have lived instead of me. I cannot add you to that list, Nott, please do not ask me to.”

Nott shakes her head. “Caleb, you’re incredible. You really are,” she insists when he moves to interrupt. “You’re a good man whether you believe it or not, and I know you’ll go on to do great things. But you can’t do those things if you throw your life away just for some goblin.” She ignores his quiet protest. “These things happen, and it’s not your fault, and I _want_ you to go back and live. I certainly don’t want you to die for me. So live for me instead, okay?” She offers him a smile, weak but genuine, and Caleb loves her so fiercely in that moment he feels his chest might burst with the feeling.

Tears sting Caleb’s eyes and the pressure in his throat won’t let him speak, so he buries his face in Nott’s shoulder instead as Caduceus’s calm voice fills his ears, gentle words pulling on that thread of divine magic attached to his chest. Gods, he doesn’t deserve it. Nott does, Nott the Brave, the goblin who had saved him so many times in so many ways, and he wishes more than anything he could give her the magic tethering him to the mortal plane -

_Wait._

When Caleb trusts himself to speak again he pulls back and looks at the half-elf standing a few yards away. He’s looking off studiously into the distance, and Caleb glares at him as though the whole thing is his fault.

“I hope I can have a minute to make my goodbyes?” he asks icily. Vax doesn’t seem phased, simply nodding.

“Of course. Take your time,” he says. He moves a few yards away, just out of earshot, and gazes out over the horizon.

Caleb leans forward and wraps Nott in an embrace. She’s putting on a brave face, but he can see the unshed tears in her eyes.

“It’s okay Caleb. I want you to go back, and be safe and happy. So . . . so I’d better not see you up here for a good long time, right?” She gives him a watery smile, which he returns.

“Thank you, Nott. But I meant what I said earlier. I will not leave here without you.” He lowers his voice and leans in closer. “Nott. Do you remember the waterworks scam?” Nott’s eyes widen as she grasps his meaning.

“Caleb – what -”

“It will be okay Nott. Either we both go back, or we both stay here. Either way, we will stick together. You and me, _ja_?” He pulls away from her before she can answer and stands, calling out to the strange man. He smiles at Nott, who looks confused and upset but is gamely getting ready to play her part.

“Ready to go then?” Vax asks Caleb. Nott casts one last glance at him, and then puts Operation Waterworks into effect.

Nott bursts into tears, heaving theatrical sobs as she covers her face with her hands. The half-elf instinctively crouches down next to her and Caleb quietly steps back out of his direct line of sight. He needs to work quickly; usually when they pull this scam Nott is disguised as a small child and he doesn’t know how effective a distraction it will be under these particular circumstances.

“What’s going to happen to me?” Nott asked tearfully. “Where am I going to go?” As the half-elf tries to comfort the sobbing goblin, Caleb closes his eyes and reaches within.

The resurrection ritual is still exerting a constant pull on his chest, the warm electric sensation coursing through him, and he reaches for it like he would for his magic. The sensation is unfamiliar, but it still responds to his grasp and he sets about picking it apart, trying as quickly as he can to understand it as Nott continues to wail behind him.

The divine magic is entirely alien to him. Where his magic is steady, reliable, this magic seems to undulate wildly, sometimes threatening to overwhelm him and sometimes almost evading his grasp entirely. But as he grapples with it, he starts to sense patterns in the waves. The magic is tethering him to the material plane, that much is clear. He thinks he understands enough to alter it. He has enough of an idea to make an educated guess, at least. Probably.

He hesitates. What he is about to do is probably very stupid. He is using unknown magic, that he does not understand and that does not belong to him, in circumstances different than any he’s ever been in. But he doesn’t know how much longer Nott can keep distracting the strange half-elf, and besides. He’s already dead. What’s the worst that could happen at this point?

As the divine magic surges again, Caleb does several things. He steps forward and grasps Nott by the shoulder, who immediately stops crying and looks at him in tense anticipation. Then he brings his own magic up, melding it with Jester’s divine magic. And as the two magics mix, he _splits_ the stream connecting him to the mortal plane and pushes one half desperately towards Nott, hoping, _praying_ that it takes, that he’s guessed correctly-

He feels the moment the stream latches onto Nott’s soul. Nott gasps as the magic takes hold and he can feel her, distantly, at the end of the tether he’s created. It’s a very strange sensation, to have a grasp on another person’s soul, but he doesn’t have time to ponder it; the half-elf’s eyes are wide and his hand is outstretched and Caleb does not intend to wait around to find out what he’s planning to do.

He finally gives in to the tugging sensation in his chest, allowing it to pull him back to the material plane and presumably his body. The blue motes grow brighter and brighter until they are almost blinding and he feels a sensation as though he is falling. And as the world around him is consumed in blue light, he feels for the magic connecting him to Nott and pulls it with him, hand still gripping her shoulder tight, magic still tethered to her soul, and in that moment he prays harder than he has ever done in his miserable life, begging any god willing to listen to _let this work_ , please, this _has to work_ -

* * *

Caleb starts awake and immediately tries to sit up. “Nott -” he chokes, breath not yet cooperating with his lungs. Every inch of his body hurts and the attempt to sit up sends fresh agony down his spine but he shoves past it, looking around for Nott.

Jester pushes him back down, tears streaming down her face. “Caleb you need to stay down for a bit, you were very hurt.”

“Nott,” he insists. He reaches out desperately with his mind but now that he is back in his body he cannot feel his magic at all. He’s never been this tapped before, and it’s taking every last bit of his energy to even stay conscious.

Fresh tears spill over Jester’s cheeks, and she casts a worried glance at the other members of the Nein, gathered in a tense knot behind her.

“Caleb,” Beau says, and hesitates. “She didn’t . . . she didn’t make it, man. There was nothing we could do. I’m so sorry.” Her voice is steady but her eyes are red and puffy.

Caleb shoves Jester’s hands off him and hauls himself upright, trying to ignore the way his vision blurs and blackens at the edges. Jester moves to push him down again, but as she does there is movement behind her.

Nott sits up, coughing as air enters her lungs again, and it’s the most beautiful thing Caleb has ever seen.

“Nott!” Jester shrieks, launching herself at the goblin. “How are you here, did the Traveler send you back after all, because we tried getting you back, we really really did, but it didn’t work because it had been too long, and we thought you were dead-dead, and it was super super sad but now you’re here!”

Nott returns the hug somewhat less enthusiastically, which Caleb could appreciate. If his own experience was anything to go by, being suddenly returned to a body that had been recently dead was not a pleasant experience. He feels like his bones have been filled with molten lead and every second is a struggle to stay conscious, but he needs to make sure. He needs to know she’s safe.

“I think it was something Caleb did,” Nott says hesitantly, and the group turns to look at him as one.

“Ja,” he says slowly, trying not to slur the words too badly. “I borrowed your magic Jester, and gave some to Nott so it would pull both of us back. It seems to have worked, no?”

Jester is crying again, but she’s beaming as she bounces over to hug Caleb. He thinks Beau is crying again too, but less openly. Yasha is wearing the warmest smile he thinks he’s ever seen on her. Caduceus is smiling gently as he works on a prayer of healing for the group, and Fjord is murmuring softly to Nott, helping her get to her feet.

The darkness continues to eat at Caleb’s vision, but he stubbornly ignores it as Nott approaches, reaching out to her as soon as she’s in range. She comes gladly, tucking in against his chest as the rest of the party goes to work on getting camp set up, since neither he nor Nott are in much condition to travel.

“Don’t do that again,” Nott says, the sound muffled against his coat. “You’re not allowed to die. Don’t let it happen again.”

“Certainly,” Caleb says. “As long as you promise me the same. No more dying for either of us.”

“Right,” Nott says. There’s a moment of silence before she adds “but thank you. For not leaving me there.”

“Of course,” Caleb says. “As I said. We stick together, no matter what. You and me, _ja_?”

“You and me,” Nott says softly, and Caleb pulls her close and smiles.

Later, there will be repercussions. The image of Nott’s still corpse hasn’t left his mind – won’t ever leave his mind, another nightmare added to the list. The rest of the party will want to know exactly what happened, and will probably yell at them for getting killed and then fuss over them relentlessly until they’re back on their feet. Recovery from such an ordeal as this is not a quick process, so there will be plenty of time for both.

That’s all for later though. For now, Nott rests on his chest where she can hear his heartbeat, and his arm is wrapped around her where he can feel her chest rise and fall as she breathes, and finally, finally, he relaxes and lets sleep take him.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is welcome!


End file.
